Love. Is it really the only thing needed for a relationship to work out? If so, then I must have been wrong. For all I know, love is the sunlight. But like a garden, a relationship must be watered, fertilized and well-tended. To him, love is the only thing we need to fix this relationship.
For a few weeks now, I have come to a realization that this isn’t going anywhere. The only thing that makes me hold on is my hope for the relationship and my love for him. The relationship has been stagnant for awhile. It’s like the fire didn’t stop burning, but also, didn’t grow bigger. He was too contented of what we have, not minding as to how it could be better. I, on the contrary, think that this relationship is meant to be the best. I was waiting – waiting for him to make any special move that would prove me that this is all worth it. And for many months now, he still couldn’t understand the word “special”. I was waiting, until I got tired. It was one of the many Saturdays of the year. After not seeing each other on new year’s day, I realized I have been avoiding his texts, calls and chats. It was as though I realized that there would be no future for the both of us.
But that Saturday, that one Saturday, I agreed to seeing and going out with him. At the back of my mind, I was hoping that this would turn things back to normal. Then again, I don’t want the “normal”.
We decided to watch a movie – that was one thing I missed since we became ‘busy’ with our lives. I liked leaning on his shoulders and him hugging me from the side. I liked the random kisses every time we were together.
And that Saturday, I missed everything so much.
“Did you enjoy the movie?” He said while smiling.
“How could I not? I was with you again.”
While eating at some fast-food establishment, I can see that he too, was doing a hard work to get things back to where it was before. He would constantly joke, which I found not really funny. Until I realized that I needed to talk.
“Can you call this special?” I asked him randomly.
“Hm, yeah. Why?”
“Hm.” He nodded.
I let out a big sigh. “Oh, okay.”
“Why? Isn’t this special for you?”
“I mean, a different ‘special’. Because I’m waiting. I don’t really consider this special as I can afford this on my own.”
“Oh. Then maybe we could eat a finer place next time.” He smiled.
I let out a big sigh again. He doesn’t really understand.
“I don’t mean ‘special’ is expensive. Not that way. No, it’s not really like that.”
“Ah? Then, what do you mean? Our first kiss was special. The day I let you met my parents. Oh yeah, the necklace I gave you. Those are special right?”
I shook my head left to right. “Those are special moments. What I’m asking you is special actions.”
“Ah, really? Then.. haven’t I done anything special yet?”
I looked at him. I felt my hope was flying away from me. But love remained and I could only smile at him. He still doesn’t understand anything. Maybe he really won’t understand anything.
I sat there, quiet. I have nothing to say to him anymore. If I do, I might blurt things out I don’t want to.
And after eating, we decided to go home. We were walking as if we do not know each other. A step away. If you could grab my hand at times like these, then maybe, that would be special.
When we sat down on the car, he stopped me from revving up the engine.
“Maybe we really need to talk.”
“You think so? Cause at this moment, I don’t really have something to say.”
“I’m sorry. I’m sorry if I keep pissing you off.”
“Nahh. You don’t. It’s the way you don’t understand ‘special’ that pisses me off.” I tried to start the engine again and he held my hand.
“Let’s talk first.”
“What’s happening, really? Was this because of the new year’s day?”
“You keep on saying sorry but you aren’t doing anything to make it up to me! You have no idea how scared I am right now. I have no idea whether we could spend another new year’s day again. That’s why it was so important to me. Because you’re always like that. You don’t do anything extraordinary! Back then, I thought it was actually extraordinary to bring a bouquet of flowers to me. But.. but.. I realized that you were supposed to do that.”
“So you mean, special is doing something not scripted?”
“Was it scripted?!”
“Special is doing something out of your way!”
“Then.. that necklace.. the first kiss-“
“Those are moments! Special moments! It’s supposed to be that way! We are supposed to have a first kiss. We are supposed to meet the parents. You are supposed to give me something. That wasn’t going out of your way..” I cried.
“Then- do you want me to end this?” I looked at him, horrified and disgusted.
How can he say such a thing? Doesn’t he want to fix this first? Does he really want to end this without even trying?
“D-do you?” I asked him back.
“No. Losing you is the greatest fear I have.”
“You see, I am adamant I will pass this semester. Then, I’ll start a job-training. After that, I will enter the last year of my college. In that year, I would be thinking of what my life would be in the next 5 years. I’d have to think about my prospect job and position in life. But I don’t think my planning would be complete until you finish planning yours. I can’t plan because… I’m waiting for your plan. Because when I plan, I want to be in yours, and I want you to be in mine.”
“I’m sorry.. for being a burden.”
“You aren’t a burden. If you were, I would have broken up with you a long time ago.” “
“It’s just that.. I’m scared. I don’t want to lose my faith in God. I don’t want to defy His plans. But if I could, I’d like to pray that His will shall be done.. and I hope you are in His plans for me.”
“I’m really sorry..”
“I don’t ask anything from you. Though I’d like to be given some material things, I don’t really ask. I don’t ask you to pay for the movies we watch. I don’t ask you to pay for my food. I don’t ask you to drive me to and fro. I don’t ask that. All I’m asking is that.. you plan your future. You pass the board. Because when that happens, everything, for sure will be well.”
“What if.. what if, I don’t pass?”
I kept quiet. I wasn’t sure if it would be good to tell him my answer or not. I don’t know if he’s aware that I’m not the kind of girl who’d always follow my heart. Because if so, God would have not made a brain.
“I’ll break up with you.” I saw his shocked face from the corner of my eye. “I’ll break up with you if you don’t pass it.”
“I’m sorry. Are you really that unhappy with me?”
“If I am unhappy, I would’ve broken up with you the first time you didn’t pass. But I am very hopeful. And I love you.”
And he suddenly hugged me. I knew he was crying cause I felt his tears in my neck. I wanted to hug him back, but it would be a little awkward.
“Then at least be with me, until I get the result this February. By then, if you want to leave, you can. Unless you wanna leave now.”
“I’ll wait.” I said and started the engine.
And we drove off. I dropped him off to his friends and everyone knew there was something wrong just by judging our faces. I left and went home.
Two days have passed and I haven’t returned to his calls and even text messages. I’ve been feeling down and teary lately. It seems like I just want to be silent and think of all so many things. I don’t want a break up. I just want to be with him forever. But I know, for sure, if I met another man and I fall in love again, I’d feel this all over again. I wonder if I could ever love again. I wonder.
Then again, I’ll just have to find out. This isn’t the last yet. I’m willing to fight, and if given a chance, I’d like to fight for him in the many years to come. But it would be better if we fight together, side by side; to keep the fire burning in our hearts. I wonder, if I could ever wait.